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Old 03-30-2009, 07:58 PM   #1
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Default The Official Joke Thread.

This place needs one!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.


Devil: Why are you so sad?


Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell.


Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man?


Guy: Sure, I love to drink.


Devil: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Tab. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.


Guy: Gee, that sounds great.


Devil: You a smoker?


Guy: You better believe it.


Devil: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin’ lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay — you’re already dead.


Guy: Golly!


Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too.


Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.


Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you
name it. You like to do drugs?


Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don’t mean…?

Devil: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you’ll never die — you’re already dead.

Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin’ place!

Devil: You gay?

Guy: No.

Devil: Oh, you’re gonna hate Fridays.






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Old 03-30-2009, 10:06 PM   #2
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Guy's walking down the beach and finds a bottle. Starts rubbing the sand off and POOF! a Genie appears.

Genie: OK you get one wish.
Guy: I thought it was three?
Genie: Not that kind of Genie. You only get one.

So the guy's thinking and thinking, and finally says:

"I want a bridge to Hawaii. I afraid of flying and afraid of water, so I'd like a nice bridge to Hawaii"

Genie: Are you nuts?!? Do you know how much work that'd be? How much material that would take?!? Cant you think of anything else???

So the guy thinks some more and finally says:

"Okay, I'd like to know what makes a woman tick. What makes them cry when they're happy, what causes their mood swings, you know...stuff like that.

Genie: Soooo, do you want that bridge 2 lanes or 4?
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Old 03-30-2009, 10:14 PM   #3
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Man goes to see a Wizard and asks him if he can lift a curse that was put on him years ago?

The wizard replies maybe. If you can remember the words of the curse.

The man replies, sure, "I now pronounce you man & wife"
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Old 03-30-2009, 10:15 PM   #4
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Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
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Old 03-30-2009, 10:16 PM   #5
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A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past Four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .

The doctor snickered and said, "Just ****ing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
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Old 03-30-2009, 10:37 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NEPS.US View Post
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Great! I enjoy it much as recently I stopped over my mothers house. She said "it's nice you and your cousin are hanging out". How'd you know that? "I heard he didn't go home last night cause he passed out on your couch."
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Old 03-31-2009, 03:54 AM   #7
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A farmer gets a call from his farm hand...

"I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive!"

"Shoot it" he tells him "and bury him."

10 minutes later he gets another call

"I've done that...what should I do with his speed camera?"
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Old 03-31-2009, 06:37 AM   #8
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A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK.
The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.
She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother.
'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
'It's okay' said the Mom,
'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'
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Old 03-31-2009, 08:58 AM   #9
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J&H Painting
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Old 03-31-2009, 09:09 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ProWallGuy View Post
J&H Painting


Jack Pauhl
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Old 03-31-2009, 10:41 AM   #11
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I'm afraid if i tell any of the jokes that i know of, i will seriously offend at least one person out there, and get banned
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Old 03-31-2009, 04:27 PM   #12
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Mick is in court for a double murder. The Judge says, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'
A man at the back of the courtroom yells out, 'You bastard'!
The Judge continues, 'You are also charged with beating your wife's lover to death with a spanner.'
The man yells out, 'You absolute bastard!'
The Judge looks at the man and says, 'Sir, I can understand your anger at this crime, but I will have no more outbursts. If you have anything to say, say it now.'
The man gets up and says, ' For fifteen years I lived next door to to that bastard, and everytime I asked to borrow a spanner, he said he didn't have one.'
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Old 04-01-2009, 05:50 PM   #13
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A guy was having trouble with his computer so he called Eric, the 10 year old next door and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, the guy called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

He didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' he replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'I think you'll figure it out.' then he left.

So he wrote down:






I D 1 0 T
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Old 04-01-2009, 06:01 PM   #14
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A woman walks into her mechanics and says she lost her "710" and needs another.

Puzzled the mechanic peeks under the hood and realizes that the "OIL" cap is missing.
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Old 04-03-2009, 09:42 AM   #15
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A vicar books into a hotel and says to the blonde receptionist,
"I hope the **** channel in my room is disabled.'
'No,' she says, 'it's just regular ****....you sick bastard.'
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Old 04-04-2009, 03:35 PM   #16
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Dr. HA HA


1. A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs — and I was in the wrong one.

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’

4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘Which one?’ I asked.
‘The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I’m running out of places to put it!’
I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’
After a look of complete confusion, she answered…’Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.’

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, ‘So, how’s your breakfast this morning?’
‘It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’
She replied, ‘No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’
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Old 04-04-2009, 04:03 PM   #17
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar enjoying a drink after a hard day working away from home.



“You know,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a wee bar called McManus’. The landlord there really knows how to look after the regulars. After you’ve bought 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you.”


“Reminds me of my old local, the Black Horse,” said the Englishman, “the guvnor there always gave me my third drink free.”


“That’s nothing,” said the Irishman. “Back home in Dublin there’s O’Malley’s Bar. As soon as you get through the door they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had plenty of drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”


“Fantastic,” said the Englishman, “and this actually happen to you?”


“Not me, personally, no,” said the Irishman “but it did happen to my sister!”
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Old 04-07-2009, 10:49 PM   #18
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A drunk was taking a shortcut through the cemetary on afternoon when he chanced to notice an inscription on a headstone. It read : "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man." "I'll be damned!" he says, "They're burying them two to a hole now !"
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Old 04-13-2009, 05:29 PM   #19
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You're bad if you laugh

Last edited by TooledUp; 08-08-2009 at 04:46 PM..
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Old 04-14-2009, 08:49 PM   #20
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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly
attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned
over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that
you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one
condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The
man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then
slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the
man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and
slowly and meaningfully said....









"Paint my house."
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