The Official Joke Thread. - Page 2 - Paint Talk - Professional Painting Contractors Forum
CLICK HERE AND JOIN OUR COMMUNITY TODAY, IT'S FREE!
Go Back   Paint Talk - Professional Painting Contractors Forum > Paint Talk Community > Off Topic (Non Trade)


Like Tree3Likes
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-14-2009, 08:49 PM   #21
Renegade Mod
 
Wolfgang's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,017
Rewards Points: 430
Thanks: 6,692
Thanked 8,215 Times in 3,734 Posts
View Wolfgang's Photo Album My Photos
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TooledUp View Post
You're bad if you laugh
You aint gonna believe this but yesterday I was taking a new guy around and watched an elderly person tip his over. Yeah, I pulled over and we uprighted him and made sure he was alright. He just motored away on down the sidewalk.
Wolfgang is online now   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-15-2009, 10:58 AM   #22
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,812
Rewards Points: 1,000
Thanks: 23
Thanked 95 Times in 74 Posts
View TooledUp's Photo Album My Photos
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfgang View Post
You aint gonna believe this but yesterday I was taking a new guy around and watched an elderly person tip his over. Yeah, I pulled over and we uprighted him and made sure he was alright. He just motored away on down the sidewalk.
Some of those drivers are a danger to themselves and others. Here's a good one

(there's a video at the bottom)
TooledUp is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2009, 10:11 AM   #23
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,812
Rewards Points: 1,000
Thanks: 23
Thanked 95 Times in 74 Posts
View TooledUp's Photo Album My Photos
Default

A man was having his annual check-up at the local medical centre. He's lying naked on the table, being examined by the nurse.

The nurse says, "You're going to have to stop master baiting." (don't wanna rock the boat mods )


The man says, "Why?"


The nurse says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
TooledUp is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to TooledUp For This Useful Post:
HQP2005 (03-28-2012), MSJ Painting (08-01-2014)
 
Old 05-11-2009, 08:33 PM   #24
PinheadsUnite
 
daArch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: almost there
Posts: 30,724
Rewards Points: 1,696
Thanks: 13,929
Thanked 17,334 Times in 10,140 Posts
View daArch's Photo Album My Photos
Default

from one of our bestest friends in the NGPP - she posted on another forum, "the quiet little table in the corner" as we call it.

-------------

Quote:
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks." No, not at all" the woman replied

They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he has emptied most of the bowl.

"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few"

"Oh that's all right" the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
__________________
"Glazed Donuts Are the Building Blocks of the Universe"

"Are we having fun yet"
daArch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-12-2009, 12:58 PM   #25
I'm Colour Blind
 
mistcoat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 1,630
Rewards Points: 1,008
Thanks: 817
Thanked 473 Times in 329 Posts
View mistcoat's Photo Album My Photos
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by daArch View Post
from one of our bestest friends in the NGPP - she posted on another forum, "the quiet little table in the corner" as we call it.

-------------
__________________
If we all are here to help others , then what exactly are the others here for?
Painters & Decorators in Kent
mistcoat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2009, 06:21 AM   #26
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,812
Rewards Points: 1,000
Thanks: 23
Thanked 95 Times in 74 Posts
View TooledUp's Photo Album My Photos
Default

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50
dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly,I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
TooledUp is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to TooledUp For This Useful Post:
HQP2005 (03-28-2012), MSJ Painting (08-01-2014)
Old 05-16-2009, 01:54 PM   #27
Senior Member
 
onthecoast's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: The Granite State
Posts: 324
Rewards Points: 258
Thanks: 17
Thanked 20 Times in 16 Posts
View onthecoast's Photo Album My Photos
Send a message via AIM to onthecoast
Default

A wife brings her husband to a doctor and says "i dont know whether or not my husband has alzheimers or aids, i dont know what to do"

and the doctor says "ill tell you what, drive him out to the woods and if he gets home.. dont **** em"
onthecoast is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to onthecoast For This Useful Post:
HQP2005 (03-28-2012)
Old 05-16-2009, 01:55 PM   #28
Senior Member
 
onthecoast's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: The Granite State
Posts: 324
Rewards Points: 258
Thanks: 17
Thanked 20 Times in 16 Posts
View onthecoast's Photo Album My Photos
Send a message via AIM to onthecoast
Default

If april showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims
onthecoast is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2009, 01:56 PM   #29
Senior Member
 
onthecoast's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: The Granite State
Posts: 324
Rewards Points: 258
Thanks: 17
Thanked 20 Times in 16 Posts
View onthecoast's Photo Album My Photos
Send a message via AIM to onthecoast
Default

So a 90 year old man goes to the doctor and says, "my 20 year old girlfriend is pregnant and i'm too old to be a father, what should I do"?

The doctor says "Let me tell you a story...


So a man went into the woods with only an umbrella. When he was walking he was attacked by a bear so he pretended his umbrella was a gun to trick the bear, but when he pointed his umbrella at the bear and "pulled the trigger" there was a mighty gunshot and the bear fell dead".

When the doctor had finished the old man exclaimed " but doctor, someone else must have shot that bear"!

..."my point exactly"
onthecoast is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2009, 02:03 PM   #30
Senior Member
 
onthecoast's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: The Granite State
Posts: 324
Rewards Points: 258
Thanks: 17
Thanked 20 Times in 16 Posts
View onthecoast's Photo Album My Photos
Send a message via AIM to onthecoast
Default

So 3 vampires walk into a bar. They sit down and the bartender says "well what can I get you"?

The first two say they want bloody marys, but the third one says "I'll just have a hot glass of water"

When the other vampires give him a dirty look he pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm having tea"
onthecoast is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2009, 09:47 PM   #31
PinheadsUnite
 
daArch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: almost there
Posts: 30,724
Rewards Points: 1,696
Thanks: 13,929
Thanked 17,334 Times in 10,140 Posts
View daArch's Photo Album My Photos
Default

OMG, onthecoast, that vampire teabag joke I made up in 9th grade (1965) finally made it to prime time.
__________________
"Glazed Donuts Are the Building Blocks of the Universe"

"Are we having fun yet"
daArch is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to daArch For This Useful Post:
Jm.handman (03-26-2011)
Old 05-16-2009, 09:54 PM   #32
Senior Member
 
nEighter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: tWilGhtZonE
Posts: 5,447
Rewards Points: 2,000
Thanks: 3,948
Thanked 884 Times in 640 Posts
View nEighter's Photo Album My Photos
Default

:ack:!!!!
nEighter is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2009, 09:55 PM   #33
PinheadsUnite
 
daArch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: almost there
Posts: 30,724
Rewards Points: 1,696
Thanks: 13,929
Thanked 17,334 Times in 10,140 Posts
View daArch's Photo Album My Photos
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nEighter View Post
:ack:!!!!
don't you mean ?




-the other Bill
__________________
"Glazed Donuts Are the Building Blocks of the Universe"

"Are we having fun yet"
daArch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-16-2009, 10:35 PM   #34
Senior Member
 
nEighter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: tWilGhtZonE
Posts: 5,447
Rewards Points: 2,000
Thanks: 3,948
Thanked 884 Times in 640 Posts
View nEighter's Photo Album My Photos
Default

:nice: yeah that will do!
nEighter is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-20-2009, 11:09 PM   #35
PinheadsUnite
 
daArch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: almost there
Posts: 30,724
Rewards Points: 1,696
Thanks: 13,929
Thanked 17,334 Times in 10,140 Posts
View daArch's Photo Album My Photos
Default For our UK friends - your Gov't has a message for you

10 Downing Street
London SW1


Dear people of the United Kingdom

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SH!T(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SH!T it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH!T, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SH!T you can handle.

Sincerely,

Gordon Brown
__________________
"Glazed Donuts Are the Building Blocks of the Universe"

"Are we having fun yet"
daArch is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to daArch For This Useful Post:
HQP2005 (03-28-2012)
Old 05-30-2009, 02:50 PM   #36
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,812
Rewards Points: 1,000
Thanks: 23
Thanked 95 Times in 74 Posts
View TooledUp's Photo Album My Photos
Default

A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

The trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

He ignores her again and continues down the street.

The trucker stops for still another red light and the girl catches up again all out of breath. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops. The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says:

"Hi, my name is Andy and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"
TooledUp is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-30-2009, 04:37 PM   #37
I'm Colour Blind
 
mistcoat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 1,630
Rewards Points: 1,008
Thanks: 817
Thanked 473 Times in 329 Posts
View mistcoat's Photo Album My Photos
Default Mongolian VD

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his thingy covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your thingy."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his thingy and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease." The guy
says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my thingy!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by self.
__________________
If we all are here to help others , then what exactly are the others here for?
Painters & Decorators in Kent
mistcoat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-30-2009, 07:05 PM   #38
Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: NEW YORK
Posts: 35
Rewards Points: 25
Thanks: 0
Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
View lugi's Photo Album My Photos
Default Blonde painter. sorry just a joke

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.

So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a par ka over her leather jacket. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...


You'll love this .



Yep.... I know you will . .......

.



'FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS
lugi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2009, 08:03 PM   #39
Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: NEW YORK
Posts: 35
Rewards Points: 25
Thanks: 0
Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
View lugi's Photo Album My Photos
Default

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette.. He looked at his watch, and then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
lugi is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to lugi For This Useful Post:
HQP2005 (03-28-2012)
Old 06-26-2009, 01:18 PM   #40
Senior Member
 
painter213's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Birmingham, Al.
Posts: 217
Rewards Points: 150
Thanks: 21
Thanked 97 Times in 51 Posts
View painter213's Photo Album My Photos
Default

A man walks into a bar looking disappointed and carrying a black bag over one shoulder. He sits down at the bar. The bartender walks up. "What`s in the bag?", asks the bartender. The man puts the bag on the bar, reaches in and pulls out a baby grand piano, a small bench and a 12 inch tall man wearing a top hat and a tux with tails. The 12 inch tall man sits down at the piano and begins playing Beethoven. "That`s amazing!" says the bartender, his eyes wide with disbelief. "Where did he come from?". The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. "Rub the lamp" he says, pushing the lamp toward the bartender. The bartender grabs the lamp and begins rubbing it vigorously with his bar rag. Out pops an old, wrinkled genie. "I grant you one wish" he says to the bartender. "I want a million bucks!" says the bartender. "Done" says the genie. The genie disappears back into the lamp. Moments pass. Suddenly a duck appears on the bar with a poof. Then another....and another. They appear on the bar stools...on the tables...on the Budweiser sign on the wall. POOF...POOF...POOF. Thousands...tens of thousands of ducks begin to fill the bar! "Christ!" shouts the bartender. "I didn't`t say ducks!" he yells, "I said bucks!". The man at the bar looks at the bartender, "You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
__________________
NACE Certified Coatings Inspector Level III #7953,
SSPC Protective Coatings Specialist #2014-529-139
E-Mail: babbott@abbottcoatinginspections.com
Phone: (205-717-0292)
painter213 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to painter213 For This Useful Post:
Jm.handman (03-26-2011)
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The OFFICIAL Youtube Thread ProWallGuy Off Topic (Non Trade) 730 04-21-2017 09:34 PM
Joke NEPS.US Off Topic (Non Trade) 4 02-14-2009 05:31 PM
Share a Joke timhag Off Topic (Non Trade) 15 06-05-2008 11:57 AM
Blonde Joke Kelly Painting Off Topic (Non Trade) 7 12-17-2007 11:14 PM
Joke Brushslingers Off Topic (Non Trade) 3 05-01-2007 06:17 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 03:19 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Content Relevant URLs by vBSEO 3.6.1
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2017 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2017 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Our Pro Sites Network
ContractorTalk.com | DrywallTalk.com | ElectricianTalk.com | HVACSite.com | PlumbingZone.com | RoofingTalk.com