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Old 01-26-2015, 11:56 PM   #301
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A contractor dies on a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.

Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations!”
“Congratulations for what?” asks the contractor

“Congratulations for what?”

Says Saint Peter, “We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.”

“But that’s not true,” says the consultant. “I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter, “we added up your time sheets!”
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Old 01-27-2015, 12:00 AM   #302
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Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. when they each replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me your bids."

First the Florida contractor took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "I figure the job will run about $900 -- $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick calculations and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700 -- $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Finally, the guard asks the New York contractor for his bid. Without batting an eye, the contractor says, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri."
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Old 02-18-2015, 09:43 PM   #303
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A 4 year-olds first paycheck -

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between
a little 4-year-old girl & some construction workers that will make
you believe that we all can make a difference
when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an
interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of
each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough,"
more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee
and lunch breaks, & gave her little jobs to do here and there to
make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she
take her 10 dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to
start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
impressed & asked the little girl how she had come by her very own
pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real
construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house again this week, too?"

To which the girl replied, "Well I will if those a$$holes at Home Depot ever
deliver the fvckin' drywall."
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Old 02-18-2015, 09:50 PM   #304
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Good one!
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Old 03-17-2015, 09:22 PM   #305
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Default At the Pro Shop

A golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers. The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.

The guy gives the golf pro a dollar. The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in and hands him a dime.






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Old 03-17-2015, 10:01 PM   #306
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Who buys ball markers any way?
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Old 03-18-2015, 09:50 PM   #307
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Default Home Security

Now that we have reduced income, I figured I'd save a little money and time by disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the neighborhood watch.





I've raised two pakistani flags
in the front yard, one at each corner, and the
black flag of isis in the center. The local police,
State Police, FBI, CIA, NSA, homeland security, secret service
and other agencies are all watching the house
24/7.


I've never felt safer and
I'm saving $89.95 a month.



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Old 03-20-2015, 01:41 AM   #308
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So the other day I was stripping old paint off a handrail.
I'm not gonna lye, it was basically easy work.
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Old 05-15-2015, 07:38 AM   #309
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The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.


So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish


The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is
over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to
your community?

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?



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Old 06-02-2015, 08:29 PM   #310
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Default The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Houston and saw a rather dignified, welldressed, good-looking man in his late forties early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

He replied,
"No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, “Dallas."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Dallas."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."





The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:


1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!



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Old 06-03-2015, 02:03 PM   #311
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A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job...
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!
Well that qualifies for extra bonus points.
Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM,
Why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours,
We just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls...

No point In you coming in for that."
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Old 06-09-2015, 03:09 PM   #312
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The son of a builder is approaching his sixth birthday and his father asks him what he’d like as a present. ‘What I really want is a baby brother.’ says the boy. ‘Sorry, son,’ says the father. ‘Your birthday is five days away, I can’t get you a baby brother in that time.’ The son replies, ‘Can’t you do what you do at work and put more men on the job?’
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Old 06-21-2015, 11:24 AM   #313
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So the painters finish painting my home and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."
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Old 07-10-2015, 04:00 PM   #314
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Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress or skirt, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?


Ever wonder why?

.

.

.


She smells like a new Truck.



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Old 07-11-2015, 09:04 AM   #315
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Did you hear that Buckwheat from the little rascals converted to islam? His new name is Kareem of wheat!
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Old 07-11-2015, 11:58 AM   #316
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Went to the horse races the other day, and I said to the guy next to me, "Yah know, I could pick a winner if I could just understand how the horses feel. I wonder how that could be done"

.

.

he said,

"Gallop Poll"



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Old 07-25-2015, 02:15 PM   #317
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In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels where there is a large German-speaking population. One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." Which means: "Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water, the cows have **** in it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Hillary Clinton. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands.."
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Old 07-25-2015, 08:21 PM   #318
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Old 07-31-2015, 03:16 PM   #319
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I don't have a joke to add, but I wanted to point out that D'arch said everyone should strain their paint before they use it in another thread! Hysterical! What next? Boxing your paint? Har har har!
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Old 07-31-2015, 09:38 PM   #320
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PACman View Post
I don't have a joke to add, but I wanted to point out that D'arch said everyone should strain their paint before they use it in another thread! Hysterical! What next? Boxing your paint? Har har har!
and even more ludicrous , my second lesson is that bare wood and plaster should be coated first with a REAL primer, even when using Behr.



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