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Old 08-01-2015, 10:05 AM   #321
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Quote:
Originally Posted by daarch View Post
and even more ludicrous , my second lesson is that bare wood and plaster should be coated first with a real primer, even when using behr.
stop! Yer killing me!
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Old 09-24-2015, 04:48 PM   #322
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Default The Last Kiss

Back in January, a group of Peking, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when
they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a
group of gawkers past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the
railing, and says, "Hey baby.....whatcha doin' up thereon that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive,' George also didn't want to miss this
'be-a-legend' opportunity either, so he asked, "Well,before you jump, why don't
you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that. And
it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his
biker-buddies, the onlookers and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow!
That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you're wasting. You
could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
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Old 10-04-2015, 01:00 AM   #323
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Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
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Old 11-22-2015, 09:33 PM   #324
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Hot off the joke press from my brother:



Why don't Bahston Brahman debutantes engage in group sex ?



.



.



.


too many thank you notes



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Old 03-26-2016, 02:05 PM   #325
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Cheesy, timely, paint related, but cute. Sort of.

(Note, no pot hooks, wooden ladder)

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Old 05-29-2016, 09:41 PM   #326
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An elderly man, afflicted with a terminal illness, and near death, is now resigned to his bed, waiting for the inevitable.

Suddenly, he is made alert by the smell of his favorite cookies being baked in the kitchen below. With the last of his remaining strength, he gets himself out of bed, and out into the hall. After what seems an eternity, he somehow makes it down the stairs, using the railing to lean on.

Slumping towards the kitchen, he sees nothing. So he clamors to the cupboard, spies the cookie tin, reaches it and puts it on the counter. Very winded and weak, he removes the lid and grabs the nearest cookie, when he receives a resounding swat on the back of his hand.

"Don't touch those! Those are for the funeral!"
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Old 06-21-2016, 03:38 PM   #327
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Default Viagra

A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"

"Yes we do," He answered..

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes it does," He answered.

She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"Only if I take two," He replied.
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Old 06-22-2016, 08:24 AM   #328
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ReNt A PaInTeR View Post
A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"

"Yes we do," He answered..

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes it does," He answered.

She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"Only if I take two," He replied.
You should be ashamed of yourself,hehe.
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Old 06-22-2016, 10:18 PM   #329
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Old 08-29-2016, 02:19 AM   #330
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Two close friends grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan the other to Florida. Every ten years they agree to meet in Atlanta and play golf. They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch.

‘Where you wanna go?’
‘Hooters’.
‘Why?’
‘Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs…’
‘OK’.

Ten years later at 40 they play, then lunch.
‘Where you wanna go?’
‘Hooters’.
‘Why?’
‘Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games’.
‘OK’.

Ten years later at 50.
‘Where you wanna go?’
‘Hooters’.
‘Why?’
‘The food is good and there is plenty of parking’.
‘OK’.

At 60.
‘Where you wanna go?’
‘Hooters’.
‘Why?’
‘Wings are half price’.
‘OK’.

At 70.
‘Where you wanna go?’
‘Hooters’.
‘Why?’
‘They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door’.
‘OK’.

At 80.
‘Where you wanna go?’
‘Hooters’.
‘Why?’
‘We’ve never been there before’.
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Old 12-23-2016, 11:22 PM   #331
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A very sad day today.

After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has lost his license after just one minor indiscretion - he had sex with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of all that training and money.

A genuinely nice guy and an excellent veterinarian.
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Old 06-02-2017, 12:32 PM   #332
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Promar 200. HA! HAHAHA! I KILL myself sometimes!
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Old 06-02-2017, 06:41 PM   #333
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A horse walks into a bar, bartender says, why the long face?

A neutron walks into a bar, orders a drink, bartender tells him, no charge!

Why do they call them apartments when they're all stuck together?

Why do we park on a driveway? And drive on a parkway?

Last week in downtown Chicago a case of Viagra slid off a truck and fell in the river. All the bridges went up!
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Old 06-03-2017, 08:32 AM   #334
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Ok I'll contribute a real joke.
A very, very old married couple are sitting in church one Sunday morning.
The husband leans forward and gets a pencil from the back of the pew in front of him and a scrap of paper out of his jacket pocket and writes something down and hands it to his wife.

She opens the message and it reads "I think I just let out a silent fart!"

She grabs another pencil and writes a message to her husband and hands it to him.

He opens it up and it reads " I think you need new batteries in your hearing aide!"
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Old 08-04-2017, 09:08 PM   #335
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Haha!
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Old 10-26-2017, 12:05 AM   #336
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Default Brother John

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest
said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long
as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief
Priest said to him: "Brother John, you have been here a year now, you
may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard Bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a
better bed."

The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may
say another two words Brother John."

"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that
the food would be better in the future.

On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again
called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."

"I Quit." said Brother John.

"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since
you got here is complain."
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Old 10-26-2017, 12:21 AM   #337
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Default Difference between wife and job

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.
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Old 10-26-2017, 12:26 AM   #338
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Default New inmate

A new inmate asked a fellow prisoner what you do for fun in here ,he replied on Monday we play basketball ,on Tuesday we play baseball ,then the prisoner asked the new inmate if he was gay ,he replied no, well your not going to like Wednesday....
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Old 10-26-2017, 10:56 AM   #339
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This one reminds me of my high school days (cringe):

"My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper... looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again"
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Old 10-26-2017, 11:17 AM   #340
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildbill7145 View Post
Cheesy, timely, paint related, but cute. Sort of.

(Note, no pot hooks, wooden ladder)

What's wrong with a wooden ladder? I have several.
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