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Old 04-06-2019, 01:29 AM   #401
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A Neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, no charge.
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Old 04-12-2019, 05:07 PM   #402
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The man who invented Auto Correct died today. May he rust in piss.
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Last edited by Holland; 04-12-2019 at 05:13 PM..
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Old 04-22-2019, 11:06 AM   #403
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https://thehardtimes.net/music/trip-...eALd_EX5ra3Obc
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Old 07-05-2019, 09:31 AM   #404
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The Official Joke Thread.-golf.jpg
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In Time: "You learn that you really can endure...That you really are strong, And you really do have worth, And you learn and learn and learn..."
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Old 07-06-2019, 12:10 AM   #405
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Default Professor of Logic

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living.

The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor." The first neigbhbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?"

"Logic," the professor reponds.

"What is that?" the neighbor inquires.

"Well, let me see if I can give you an example...you have a dog, right?"

"Yeah, that's right," neighbor #1 responds.

"And you have children too, right?" says the professor.

"Wow, right again!" exclaims the neighbor.

"So, then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?'' proclaims the professor.

"Unbelievable, you're absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?"

"Well," the professor says, "I observed there was a dog house in your backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so you must have children. And if you have children, you are probably married and if your married, you are most likely heterosexual... it was all logical!"

The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if he has met the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday.
"What's he like?"

"Well," the man says, "he's nice and he is a professor of logic."

"Oh," says the friend, "what's logic?"

"Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"

"Why, no, I do not," responds the friend.

"Well, then," proclaims the man, "you must be gay!"
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Old 07-06-2019, 12:12 AM   #406
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Default 41 Miles per Gallon

A 2010 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Not bad.
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Old 07-06-2019, 02:33 AM   #407
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I was at a party the other day on the 4th of July and there was this Pakistani guy I was talking to, we introduced ourselves and he asked what I did for a living, I said I'm now retired but was a lifelong painter.
Oh, he said very interesting, I said what do you do, he replied fourteen twenty-two, I said what is that? He said oh I own two Seven- Elevens!
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Old 07-06-2019, 08:15 AM   #408
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Two muffins in an oven.

First muffin says "Is it hot in here, or is it just me"?

Second muffin says "Holy sh!t, a talking muffin"!


This is what my daughter always referred to as a "dad joke", and when she was growing up, one of her favorites. I think because I made it a habit to never swear in front of her, but made an exception when telling this.
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Old 07-20-2019, 01:36 PM   #409
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Default News Headlines (For Real!)

Funny News Headlines From Real Newspaper and TV Reports:

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Weight Watchers Demonstrator Shoplifts Cupcakes
One-Armed Man Applauds The Kindness of Strangers
Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
Rally Against Apathy Draws Small Crowd
Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes On 210, Creates Jam
New Sick Policy Requires 2-Day Notice
Midget Sues Grocer, Cites Belittling Remarks
Slowdown Continues To Accelerate
Man Accused Of Killing Lawyer Receives A New Attorney
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Fish Needs Water, Feds Say
Guy Kidnaps Ex-Girlfriend To Get Ironing Done
Mortuary Adds Drive-Through
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Winners Of Drunk Driving Contest Announced
Authorities Pursue Man Running With Scissors
Cows Lose Their Jobs As Milk Prices Drop
Homeless Man Under House Arrest
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Three Ambulances Take Blast Victim To Hospital
Ants Take A Long Time To Cook In Microwave
Mayor Parris To Homeless: Go Home
Author Of Book On How To Avoid Taxes On Trial For Tax Evasion
Once-Sagging Cloth Diaper Industry Saved By Full Dumps
Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons
Girl Claims Abuse: No Facebook and Phone
State Population To Double By 2040; Babies To Blame
Man Wants "Hell" Taken Out Of "Hello"
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Meeting On Open Meetings Is Closed
Caskets Found As Workers Demolish Mausoleum
Local Child Wins Gun From Fundraiser
Hemorrhoids Inspire Respectful Hindsight
No Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading Victim
Utah Poison Control Reminds Not To Take Poison
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Bugs Flying Around With Wings Are Flying Bugs
Students Cook & Serve Grandparents
Cat Called For Jury Duty
Florida Woman Calls 911 After McDonald's Runs Out Of McNuggets
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Operator Drops 800-Pound Ball On His Head
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Experts Are Sure The Dow Will Either Rise Or Decline
Homicide Victims Rarely Talk To Police
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Police Arrest Florida Man For Drunken Joyride On Motorized Scooter At Walmart
Threat Disrupts Plan To Meet About Threats
County To Pay $250,000 To Advertise Lack Of Funds
Meat Head Resigns
Teacher Dies; Board Accepts His Resignation
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
State Prisons Replace Easy-Open Locks
Alton Attorney Accidentally Sues Himself
Man Shot Twice In Head, Gets Mad!
Federal Openness Workshop Closed To Public
Woman Pukes At IKEA, Stays For Nap
Low Pay Reason For Poverty, Study Says
Man Eats Underwear To Beat Breathalyzer
Stabbing Disrupts Class For Anger Management
Drunk Driver Claims Dog Was Driving
Pigs Die As House Are Blown Down
Recall Me Maybe
Bridges Help People Cross Rivers
Psychics Predict World Didn't End Yesterday
Close Look At Dating Finds Men Choose Attractive Women
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
Safety Meeting Ends In Accident
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
City Wants Dead To Pay For Cleanup
Woman Attacks Man With Bowl of Spaghetti
Waterford Boy, Age 8, Saves Sister's Life - Youngster used Heimlich, which he learned from TV. Says "I wouldn't do it again, she's been a pain this week."
US Says Insect Parts, Rat Hair Are OK In Food
Murderer Says Detective Ruined His Reputation
Madonna Reads Her 2nd Book
Man Ate Stolen Ice Cream Sandwich He Kept In Pants
Volunteers Search For Old Civil War Planes
War Dims Hope for Peace
Kenya Believe It?
City Unsure Why The Sewer Smells
Most Earthquake Damage Is Caused By Shaking
Write-In Voting Gets Woman Shot At School Board
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Sewage Spill Kills Fish, But Water Safe To Drink
British People Prefer Facebook To Toilets
Court Rules That Being A Jerk Is Not A Crime
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In Time: "You learn that you really can endure...That you really are strong, And you really do have worth, And you learn and learn and learn..."
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Old 07-29-2019, 11:27 AM   #410
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"Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.""

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
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Old 08-18-2019, 10:48 PM   #411
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