The Official Joke Thread. - Page 21 - Paint Talk - Professional Painting Contractors Forum
CLICK HERE AND JOIN OUR COMMUNITY TODAY, IT'S FREE!
Go Back   Paint Talk - Professional Painting Contractors Forum > Paint Talk Community > Off Topic (Non Trade)

Like Tree89Likes
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-06-2019, 12:29 AM   #401
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Chicago suburbs
Posts: 3,032
Rewards Points: 2,962
Thanks: 93
Thanked 310 Times in 279 Posts
View Brushman4's Photo Album My Photos
Default

A Neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, no charge.
Brushman4 is offline   Reply With Quote

Warning: The topics covered on this site include activities in which there exists the potential for serious injury or death. PaintTalk.com DOES NOT guarantee the accuracy or completeness of any information contained on this site. Always use proper safety precaution and reference reliable outside sources before attempting any construction or remodeling task!

Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-12-2019, 04:07 PM   #402
Senior Member
 
Holland's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 534
Rewards Points: 1,032
Thanks: 126
Thanked 80 Times in 67 Posts
View Holland's Photo Album My Photos
Default

The man who invented Auto Correct died today. May he rust in piss.
Woodco and DrakeFrst like this.

Last edited by Holland; 04-12-2019 at 04:13 PM..
Holland is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-22-2019, 10:06 AM   #403
Senior Member
 
Woodco's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Austin Texas
Posts: 2,707
Rewards Points: 5,416
Thanks: 20
Thanked 425 Times in 358 Posts
View Woodco's Photo Album My Photos
Default

https://thehardtimes.net/music/trip-...eALd_EX5ra3Obc
Woodco is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 07-05-2019, 08:31 AM   #404
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2,092
Rewards Points: 524
Thanks: 607
Thanked 442 Times in 303 Posts
View jennifertemple's Photo Album My Photos
Default

The Official Joke Thread.-golf.jpg
jennifertemple is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-05-2019, 11:10 PM   #405
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2,092
Rewards Points: 524
Thanks: 607
Thanked 442 Times in 303 Posts
View jennifertemple's Photo Album My Photos
Default Professor of Logic

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living.

The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor." The first neigbhbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?"

"Logic," the professor reponds.

"What is that?" the neighbor inquires.

"Well, let me see if I can give you an example...you have a dog, right?"

"Yeah, that's right," neighbor #1 responds.

"And you have children too, right?" says the professor.

"Wow, right again!" exclaims the neighbor.

"So, then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?'' proclaims the professor.

"Unbelievable, you're absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?"

"Well," the professor says, "I observed there was a dog house in your backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so you must have children. And if you have children, you are probably married and if your married, you are most likely heterosexual... it was all logical!"

The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if he has met the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday.
"What's he like?"

"Well," the man says, "he's nice and he is a professor of logic."

"Oh," says the friend, "what's logic?"

"Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"

"Why, no, I do not," responds the friend.

"Well, then," proclaims the man, "you must be gay!"
Brushman4 likes this.
jennifertemple is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-05-2019, 11:12 PM   #406
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2,092
Rewards Points: 524
Thanks: 607
Thanked 442 Times in 303 Posts
View jennifertemple's Photo Album My Photos
Default 41 Miles per Gallon

A 2010 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Not bad.
jennifertemple is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-06-2019, 01:33 AM   #407
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Chicago suburbs
Posts: 3,032
Rewards Points: 2,962
Thanks: 93
Thanked 310 Times in 279 Posts
View Brushman4's Photo Album My Photos
Default

I was at a party the other day on the 4th of July and there was this Pakistani guy I was talking to, we introduced ourselves and he asked what I did for a living, I said I'm now retired but was a lifelong painter.
Oh, he said very interesting, I said what do you do, he replied fourteen twenty-two, I said what is that? He said oh I own two Seven- Elevens!
Lightningboy65 likes this.
Brushman4 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-06-2019, 07:15 AM   #408
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,800
Rewards Points: 1,438
Thanks: 52
Thanked 244 Times in 212 Posts
View Lightningboy65's Photo Album My Photos
Default

Two muffins in an oven.

First muffin says "Is it hot in here, or is it just me"?

Second muffin says "Holy sh!t, a talking muffin"!


This is what my daughter always referred to as a "dad joke", and when she was growing up, one of her favorites. I think because I made it a habit to never swear in front of her, but made an exception when telling this.
Lightningboy65 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-20-2019, 12:36 PM   #409
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2,092
Rewards Points: 524
Thanks: 607
Thanked 442 Times in 303 Posts
View jennifertemple's Photo Album My Photos
Default News Headlines (For Real!)

Funny News Headlines From Real Newspaper and TV Reports:

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Weight Watchers Demonstrator Shoplifts Cupcakes
One-Armed Man Applauds The Kindness of Strangers
Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
Rally Against Apathy Draws Small Crowd
Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes On 210, Creates Jam
New Sick Policy Requires 2-Day Notice
Midget Sues Grocer, Cites Belittling Remarks
Slowdown Continues To Accelerate
Man Accused Of Killing Lawyer Receives A New Attorney
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Fish Needs Water, Feds Say
Guy Kidnaps Ex-Girlfriend To Get Ironing Done
Mortuary Adds Drive-Through
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Winners Of Drunk Driving Contest Announced
Authorities Pursue Man Running With Scissors
Cows Lose Their Jobs As Milk Prices Drop
Homeless Man Under House Arrest
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Three Ambulances Take Blast Victim To Hospital
Ants Take A Long Time To Cook In Microwave
Mayor Parris To Homeless: Go Home
Author Of Book On How To Avoid Taxes On Trial For Tax Evasion
Once-Sagging Cloth Diaper Industry Saved By Full Dumps
Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons
Girl Claims Abuse: No Facebook and Phone
State Population To Double By 2040; Babies To Blame
Man Wants "Hell" Taken Out Of "Hello"
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Meeting On Open Meetings Is Closed
Caskets Found As Workers Demolish Mausoleum
Local Child Wins Gun From Fundraiser
Hemorrhoids Inspire Respectful Hindsight
No Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading Victim
Utah Poison Control Reminds Not To Take Poison
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Bugs Flying Around With Wings Are Flying Bugs
Students Cook & Serve Grandparents
Cat Called For Jury Duty
Florida Woman Calls 911 After McDonald's Runs Out Of McNuggets
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Operator Drops 800-Pound Ball On His Head
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Experts Are Sure The Dow Will Either Rise Or Decline
Homicide Victims Rarely Talk To Police
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Police Arrest Florida Man For Drunken Joyride On Motorized Scooter At Walmart
Threat Disrupts Plan To Meet About Threats
County To Pay $250,000 To Advertise Lack Of Funds
Meat Head Resigns
Teacher Dies; Board Accepts His Resignation
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
State Prisons Replace Easy-Open Locks
Alton Attorney Accidentally Sues Himself
Man Shot Twice In Head, Gets Mad!
Federal Openness Workshop Closed To Public
Woman Pukes At IKEA, Stays For Nap
Low Pay Reason For Poverty, Study Says
Man Eats Underwear To Beat Breathalyzer
Stabbing Disrupts Class For Anger Management
Drunk Driver Claims Dog Was Driving
Pigs Die As House Are Blown Down
Recall Me Maybe
Bridges Help People Cross Rivers
Psychics Predict World Didn't End Yesterday
Close Look At Dating Finds Men Choose Attractive Women
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
Safety Meeting Ends In Accident
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
City Wants Dead To Pay For Cleanup
Woman Attacks Man With Bowl of Spaghetti
Waterford Boy, Age 8, Saves Sister's Life - Youngster used Heimlich, which he learned from TV. Says "I wouldn't do it again, she's been a pain this week."
US Says Insect Parts, Rat Hair Are OK In Food
Murderer Says Detective Ruined His Reputation
Madonna Reads Her 2nd Book
Man Ate Stolen Ice Cream Sandwich He Kept In Pants
Volunteers Search For Old Civil War Planes
War Dims Hope for Peace
Kenya Believe It?
City Unsure Why The Sewer Smells
Most Earthquake Damage Is Caused By Shaking
Write-In Voting Gets Woman Shot At School Board
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Sewage Spill Kills Fish, But Water Safe To Drink
British People Prefer Facebook To Toilets
Court Rules That Being A Jerk Is Not A Crime
jennifertemple is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to jennifertemple For This Useful Post:
RH (12-19-2019)
Old 07-29-2019, 10:27 AM   #410
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2,092
Rewards Points: 524
Thanks: 607
Thanked 442 Times in 303 Posts
View jennifertemple's Photo Album My Photos
Default

"Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.""

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
jennifertemple is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-18-2019, 09:48 PM   #411
Senior Member
 
Woodco's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Austin Texas
Posts: 2,707
Rewards Points: 5,416
Thanks: 20
Thanked 425 Times in 358 Posts
View Woodco's Photo Album My Photos
Default

https://thehardtimes.net/music/trip-...xq30m0LND4TIjs
Woodco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-19-2019, 09:57 AM   #412
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2,092
Rewards Points: 524
Thanks: 607
Thanked 442 Times in 303 Posts
View jennifertemple's Photo Album My Photos
Default Old Folks still have more cards in their deck!

ONE
Recently, I went to McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply....
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)
(And they think they are worth $15.00 per hour)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
(But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her DVD drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy.
(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car.. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
a Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. The mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh....it is all true...

Perks of reaching 60
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 8 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM .
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
11. You can't remember who sent you this list.
12. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

And please remember: Do NOT take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!
jennifertemple is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-19-2019, 05:53 PM   #413
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,800
Rewards Points: 1,438
Thanks: 52
Thanked 244 Times in 212 Posts
View Lightningboy65's Photo Album My Photos
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennifertemple View Post
They forgot....

That's not a large breath mint or small bar of soap. Do not touch it!
jennifertemple likes this.
Lightningboy65 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-21-2019, 08:21 AM   #414
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: NYC,NY
Posts: 2
Rewards Points: 4
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
View DrakeFrst's Photo Album My Photos
Default

I really like penguin jokes, no idea why. Don't blame me!

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
DrakeFrst is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-21-2019, 01:00 PM   #415
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Chicago suburbs
Posts: 3,032
Rewards Points: 2,962
Thanks: 93
Thanked 310 Times in 279 Posts
View Brushman4's Photo Album My Photos
Default

So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

"Let's go," the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you 10K".
Brushman4 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-21-2019, 01:02 PM   #416
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Chicago suburbs
Posts: 3,032
Rewards Points: 2,962
Thanks: 93
Thanked 310 Times in 279 Posts
View Brushman4's Photo Album My Photos
Default

Tarzan and Jane were in the jungle...
... and while Jane was asking Tarzan about his life she asked him how he had sex. Tarzan wasn't sure what she meant so she proceeded to explain. Tarzan explained that he used a knot hole in a tree trunk. Jane was shocked by this and said 'You can't do it like that I will have to show you'. So she takes of all her clothes, lays onto the ground and points to her privates 'Put it in there' she says. So Tarzan takes off his loin cloth and gets closer and then kicks her as hard as he can in the groin. Jane is rolling around in agony and says 'What did u do that for?' Tarzan says 'checking for squirrels'.
jennifertemple likes this.
Brushman4 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-21-2019, 01:13 PM   #417
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Chicago suburbs
Posts: 3,032
Rewards Points: 2,962
Thanks: 93
Thanked 310 Times in 279 Posts
View Brushman4's Photo Album My Photos
Default

A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,
"What's your name son"?

He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir".

The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"?

The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an @sshole".

Last edited by Brushman4; 12-21-2019 at 01:26 PM..
Brushman4 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-21-2019, 01:18 PM   #418
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Chicago suburbs
Posts: 3,032
Rewards Points: 2,962
Thanks: 93
Thanked 310 Times in 279 Posts
View Brushman4's Photo Album My Photos
Default

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
SemiproJohn and Wildbill7145 like this.
Brushman4 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-21-2019, 01:27 PM   #419
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Chicago suburbs
Posts: 3,032
Rewards Points: 2,962
Thanks: 93
Thanked 310 Times in 279 Posts
View Brushman4's Photo Album My Photos
Default

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some @sshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Canada, sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Canada,” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but *****s and hockey players up there.”

“Really!” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada!”

The boy replied, “No kidding???? Who did she play for?”
Wildbill7145 likes this.
Brushman4 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2020, 10:38 AM   #420
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2,092
Rewards Points: 524
Thanks: 607
Thanked 442 Times in 303 Posts
View jennifertemple's Photo Album My Photos
Default

Driven over the edge , a man puts a gun to his head just as his wife comes into the room. She laughs at him and he says "What are you laughing at? You're next!"
jennifertemple is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
None

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The OFFICIAL Youtube Thread ProWallGuy Off Topic (Non Trade) 735 01-21-2018 04:51 PM
Joke NEPS.US Off Topic (Non Trade) 4 02-14-2009 05:31 PM
Share a Joke timhag Off Topic (Non Trade) 15 06-05-2008 11:57 AM
Blonde Joke Kelly Painting Off Topic (Non Trade) 7 12-17-2007 11:14 PM
Joke Brushslingers Off Topic (Non Trade) 3 05-01-2007 06:17 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 07:36 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Content Relevant URLs by vBSEO 3.6.1
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Our Pro Sites Network
ContractorTalk.com | DrywallTalk.com | ElectricianTalk.com | HVACSite.com | PlumbingZone.com | RoofingTalk.com