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Old 03-09-2011, 04:08 PM   #81
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hello sir.......may i have your account number please?
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Old 03-09-2011, 04:18 PM   #82
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About right!

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Old 03-09-2011, 06:28 PM   #83
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Default Paddy & Murphy

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts:

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
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Old 03-09-2011, 06:37 PM   #84
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Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick
says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

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Old 03-09-2011, 06:38 PM   #85
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Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
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Old 03-16-2011, 03:32 PM   #86
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Default Gotta tell yer this one...

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
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Old 03-16-2011, 08:34 PM   #87
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This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's , "Shhh. They're getting closer...."
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Old 03-25-2011, 03:55 PM   #88
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Little Johnny just got a new remote control plane for his birthday. He is outside flying it around while his mother is in the kitchen baking a cake. Johnny lands the plane and says " all you motherfockers that want to get off, get off and all you motherfockers that want to get on, get on" His mother hears him and says " Johnny get your butt in your room right now and sit for a few hours and think about using that language" So after a while she figures he learned his lesson and lets him go play again. Johnny is flying his plane again and lands it and says " Alright all you nice people that want to get off, get off and all you nice people that want to get on, get on and all you motherfockers that want to complain about the 3 hour delay see the bitch in the kitchen "
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Old 03-25-2011, 04:07 PM   #89
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What has 9 arms and sucks............................................. ...............





Def Leppard
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Old 03-25-2011, 09:17 PM   #90
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Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.

One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.

"I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.

"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
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Old 05-21-2011, 09:53 PM   #91
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for the ****ing wall!'''
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Old 06-01-2011, 08:59 PM   #92
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The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up."

The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive.

I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars.

Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"

The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office.

The doctor says, "What did you decide?"

He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen."
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Old 06-02-2011, 07:58 PM   #93
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What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

The woman in church has hope in he soul.



What's the difference between a peeping-tom and a pick-pocket?

The pick-pocket snatches watches.



What's the difference between a sorority house and the circus?

The circus has an array of cunning stunts.

Last edited by TheRogueBristle; 06-02-2011 at 08:07 PM..
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Old 06-05-2011, 11:45 PM   #94
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oops
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Old 06-20-2011, 09:56 PM   #95
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There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.

He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.

The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."

The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.

When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."

After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"
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Old 06-27-2011, 02:27 PM   #96
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Herschel, the Magnificent Jew



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Old 06-29-2011, 08:47 PM   #97
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In the hospital the relatives of a long time painting contractor had gathered in the waiting room as he lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.


"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news", he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"

The doctor responded, "well the good news is that we actually have some painting contractor brains available, and you have a choice. $5,000 for a Union brain; $200 for a non-union brain."

The moment turned awkward. A retired Union member actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with his independent relatives. A cousin, unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the union brain so much more than a non-union brain?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,
"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the non-union brains
a lot lower because they've been used."



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Old 06-30-2011, 11:43 PM   #98
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A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
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Old 07-08-2011, 12:32 AM   #99
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Grandma & Grandpa are on the front porch in their rockers. Grandma reaches over and slaps Grandpa, hard. He says "What was that for?!" Grandma says "That's for having a small peter all these years." Grandpa thinks about this for a minute and then reaches over and slaps Grandma, hard. "What was that for?!" Grandma asks. Grandpa says "That's for knowing the difference."
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Old 07-17-2011, 11:08 PM   #100
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THE PROSTATE EXAM

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate exam with the National Health Service, I decided to have my next test done while visiting out west where I was told the nurses are more gentle and accommodating.

As I laid naked on my side on the table, the nurse began the examination.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it is quite normal to get an erection", said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection", I said.

"No, but I have", replied the nurse.



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