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Old 06-28-2012, 08:56 PM   #161
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Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.
"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed



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Old 06-28-2012, 10:05 PM   #162
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A real golfer never gets distracted






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Old 06-29-2012, 10:12 PM   #163
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My wife sent me this and I couldn't stop laughing.

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Old 06-29-2012, 11:43 PM   #164
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Default My cousin in law should be PUNished

I changed my i Pod name to Titanic . It's syncing now .


When chemists die, they barium .


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .


A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran .


I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid . He says he can stop any time .


How does Moses make his tea ? Hebrews it .


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me .


This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore .


A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. For fingering A minor .


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down .


I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words .


They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.


A dyslexic man walks into a bra .


PMS jokes aren't funny, period .


Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no pop quiz .


Energizer battery arrested . Charged with battery .


I didn't like my beard at first . Then it grew on me .


How do you make holy water ? Boil the hell out of it !


Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils ?


When you get a bladder infection , urine trouble .


What does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back four seconds.


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . Then it hit me !


Broken pencils are pointless .


I tried to catch some fog . I mist.


What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary ? A thesaurus .


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .


I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest .


I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx .


All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on .


I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough .


Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes .


Velcro - what a rip off !


Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy .


Venison for dinner ? Oh deer !


Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault .


I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure .


Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.



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Old 07-05-2012, 10:00 AM   #165
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An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing warming up...




He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?" The trainer looked him over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."



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Old 07-10-2012, 05:11 PM   #166
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Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.




Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.





Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!




My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.




Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.





I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.





I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.





KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.





I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.





Dyslexics Have More Nuf.




I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.





Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.




Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.





Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.




I am having an out-of-money experience.




Corduroy pillows are making headlines!









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Old 07-10-2012, 09:07 PM   #167
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Quote:
Originally Posted by daArch View Post
A real golfer never gets distracted


Bet he two putted.
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Old 07-10-2012, 09:14 PM   #168
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Quote:
Originally Posted by researchhound View Post
Bet he two putted.
WHAT, you think his putting game was on fire ?



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Old 07-10-2012, 10:04 PM   #169
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Think you know everything?
- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
- Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
- There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
- The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
- The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
- There are more chickens than people in the world.
- Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
- The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
- On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
- All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
- No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
- All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
- Almonds are a member of the peach family.
- Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is just one syllable.
- There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
- Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
- Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
- In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
- Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
- The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful a Life."
- A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
- A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
- A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
- It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
- The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
- In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
- The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
- Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister.
- The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
- There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
- "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
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Old 07-10-2012, 10:45 PM   #170
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NEPS.US View Post
Think you know everything?
- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
Kinda' gives you a new found respect for cats - right?
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Old 07-10-2012, 10:45 PM   #171
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NEPS.US View Post
Think you know everything?
- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
- Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
- There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
- The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
- The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
- There are more chickens than people in the world.
- Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
- The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
- On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
- All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
- No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
- All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
- Almonds are a member of the peach family.
- Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is just one syllable.
- There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
- Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
- Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
- In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
- Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
- The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful a Life."
- A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
- A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
- A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
- It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
- The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
- In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
- The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
- Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister.
- The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
- There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
- "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
I think I know NOT all of those are true !



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Old 07-14-2012, 01:04 PM   #172
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THESE REALLY WORK!!

I checked them out on Snopes, and they is for real!


1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.



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Old 07-29-2012, 12:59 PM   #173
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As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.



Harold Schlumberg is such a person:






THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things

I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine.

It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."



Harold is an inspiration to us all.



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Old 08-01-2012, 11:39 PM   #174
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Default Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale"
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
“So, what's your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.”

“In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport
to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch
of medals.

Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?”

“Because he's a bullsh!tter. He's never been out of the yard.”
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Old 08-05-2012, 11:05 PM   #175
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From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher

My five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...






A .f r i c a n . . E l e p h a n t



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Old 08-07-2012, 06:07 PM   #176
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What's the worst part about eating vegetables?

















Chewing through the wheelchair.
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Old 08-07-2012, 06:12 PM   #177
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So, a priest is out of town and checks into a hotel. The host tells him that he will be in room 112, down the hall to the right.

The priest says "OK, but I just want to make sure that the **** channel in my room is disabled."

The host looks at him and says "no, you sick freak, it's regular ****."
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Old 08-07-2012, 06:13 PM   #178
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No offense meant to anyone.
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Old 08-07-2012, 07:03 PM   #179
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Do one liners apply?
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Old 08-07-2012, 07:43 PM   #180
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That's what she said
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