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Old 06-21-2020, 12:07 PM   #1
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You are about to exceed the limits of my medication!!

Never laugh at your wife's choices, you are one of them.

The best thing about the god old days was I wasn't good and I wasn't old.

I thought Growing old would take longer.

When I was a Kid I wanted to be older; this crap is not what I expected.

4 out of 3 people struggle with math.

If I say I will do it, I WILL DO IT! No need to remind me every 6 months.

I have sexdaily p { margin-bottom: 0.25cm; line-heigdyslexia.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons!

If you can't laugh at yourself, let me do it for you.

OF COURSE SIZE MATTERS! Nobody wants a small glass of wine.

To me, "Drink Responsibly" means don't spill it.

Pubs, the official sunblock of Ireland.

How am I supposed to trust you when every time I untie you, you run away.

JESUS LOVES YOU! I'm his favourite.

My husband says I have only 2 faults, I don't listen & something else...

My body is my temple: Ancient, crumbling & probably cursed or haunted.

I'm so busy I don't know whether I found a rope or lost my horse.

I'm more confused than a chameleon in a bag of skittles.

I may be wrong but I doubt it.

A bit of silver hair is a small price to pay for all this wisdom.

I do not need anger management. You need to stop pissing me off.

On your mark, get set, GO away.
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Old 06-21-2020, 03:31 PM   #2
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Weird! On preview all looked good but the dyslexia joke had a strike through on sexdaily and followed with dyslexia. It really went strange on posting.

Also typo "The best thing about the god (Should have been Good) old days was I wasn't good and I wasn't old."
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Old 06-21-2020, 04:26 PM   #3
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Don't piss down my back and tell me it's rainin'


(Many will recognize that from The Outlaw Josey Wales - my favorite movie line and fairly appropriate on many painting jobs...)
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Old 06-21-2020, 06:18 PM   #4
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A dyslexic atheist was contemplating the existence of dog.

Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

How come they call them apartments when they're all stuck together?

Do you take a $hit or leave it?

Now some famous Yogi Berra quotes:

"It ain't over till it's over."

"It's déjà vu all over again."

"If the people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them."

"Baseball is 90 per cent mental. The other half is physical."

"You give 100 per cent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."

"Pair up in threes."

"Bill Dickey is learning me his experience."

"He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious."

"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

"I can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won 25 games. What I don't understand is how he lost five."

"I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house."

"Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets."

"Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded."

"All pitchers are liars or crybabies."

(On the 1973 Mets) "We were overwhelming underdogs."

"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

"So I'm ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face."

"In baseball, you don't know nothing."

"I'm a lucky guy and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this day necessary."

"I wish everybody had the drive he (Joe DiMaggio) had. He never did anything wrong on the field. I'd never seen him dive for a ball, everything was a chest-high catch, and he never walked off the field."

"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."

"If you don't catch the ball, you catch the bus home."

"It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future."

"A home opener is always exciting, no matter if it's home or on the road."

"It ain't the heat, it's the humility."

"It gets late early out here."

On life:

"You can observe a lot by watching."

"We're lost but we're making great time!"

"The future ain't what it used to be."

"If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else."

"Take it with a grin of salt."

"You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours."

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did."

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."

"I wish I had an answer to that, because I'm tired of answering that question."

"We have a good time together, even when we're not together."

"If you don't set goals, you can't regret not reaching them."

On golf:

"Ninety per cent of short putts don't go in."

"Eighty per cent of the balls that don't reach the hole don't go in."

"I think they just got through marinating the greens."


On travel gear:

"Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel.


"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

On naps:

"I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four."

On "fan" mail:

"Never answer an anonymous letter."

On his own words:

"I never said most of the things I said."
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