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An older couple had some friends over and after dinner the guys were talking in the living room while the ladies were in the kitchen. The host mentioned he's having trouble with his memory but recalls going to a great restaurant earlier in the week. His guest asked for the name of the restaurant. "Gosh, what was it...help me out, what's that flower that's red and has thorns?" The guest said "A Rose?" "Yeah, that's it, thanks. Hey, Rose, what was the name of that restaurant...."
 

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We're truning into dogs

Me: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend ? Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.

Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture !”

This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home !!!

Tomorrow is the National Home-school Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear. You’re welcome!

I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

You think it’s bad now ? In 20 years our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers…

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood ! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions !

Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands ???

I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6 foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this corona virus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.

I swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now ?”

When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?

Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itUTxC-tj1c


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XK6UnPoQhhA




 

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The older gentleman was convinced his elderly wife was losing her hearing. One day he walked into the living room while she was at the other end, looking out the window. So, he thought he'd check her hearing. "Dear, can you hear me?" he asked. Hearing nothing he moved to the middle of the room and asked again, "Dear, can you hear me now?" Again nothing so he walks right behind her and says yet again, "Dear, can you hear me?" His wife turns around and angrily says, "For the third time, YES."
 

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How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?


These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
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